If you have been following Heart Mama for the last few months, or reading my posts for Mumgo, you will know that we have recently welcomed a baby, Eve Rose, into our home, and Little Elka has become Big Sister Elka. It’s a huge transition for any small person to make.
Elka hasn’t ever been jealous of her baby sister. She loves her and is mostly kind towards her. But there have been changes in my relationship with Elka. I anticipated this, and I have grieved the time we spent together – just the two of us.
The first few nights, lying with baby Eve in a separate bed to the rest of the family, I missed sharing a bed with Elka – cuddling up with her – her little hand on my face. I missed being able to play games with her spontaneously through the day. I missed strange things, like being able to take her to the toilet, because I was breastfeeding.
She adapted amazingly to her new role, and took to asking others to help her with things like going to the toilet. She asks adult friends she trusts to take her swimming. She goes on play dates with people she knows, without resistance. I have been proud of her, but I have found some changes hard.
For instance, ever-obliging and cooperative Elka has taken to saying ‘no’ to many things. I ask her to do something or not to do something, and she often does the opposite. When she is over-tired or hungry she has emotional outbursts I have no idea how to respond to. All these changes have come with age, but I also feel that the shift in our relationship and our connection has contributed.
Some days, I don’t feel connected.
Some days, she’ll ask Gregor to take her to bed, instead of me. This is new. Some days, she pushes me away. Some days, she won’t let me kiss her hurt better. Admittedly, I don’t take rejection well – although I am working on how I respond.
The hardest week was the mad lead up to Christmas. Dragging her around the shops with baby Eve was difficult. For the first time ever, we couldn’t sit at a cafe with her, because her melt downs were ‘unsocial’. I found myself one part sorry for her and one part mad with her.
Our connection had shifted.
I longed for her friendship and our comradeship. We have been a team, she and I, and that week, I felt we split. Since, I have paid special attention to our connection.
Ten ways to connect with the older child
1. I hug her when I can. Sometimes, she pushes me away, but the offer is always there
2. I put more effort into constructing activities she will enjoy, particularly craft
3. I read to her while breastfeeding Eve, or at least engage in a conversation with her
4. I look her directly in the eyes, as much as I can
5. When she’s emotional, I observe my own emotional reaction, and try to respond like an adult
6. I try and see the world from her perspective
7. I engage her as much as possible in baby-related activities, like changing nappies
8. I have moved back to the family bed
9. I put on music we both enjoy and sing and dance and do emu impersonations – we laugh
10. I run back home in the rain, carrying her, showering her in kisses – the two of us laughing. I love you. I love you. I love you.
As my wise husband says, with every challenge is an opportunity to grow. Children are our greatest teachers, and if we pay attention to their lessons, we can become better people. I love her with every gram of my being. She glows with a lightness, which is contagious – a lightness and joy, which makes grandparents weak at the knees and stops strangers in the street.
Taking the time to reconnect has been important to our relationship. Since Christmas, we have had more fun together, I have had more tolerance, and there has been more harmony in the sunshine house.
What ways do you connect with your child when there is a disconnect?
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allaboutbeingamummy.wordpress.com 
January 15, 2013 at 8:42 am
I have a 4 month old and a 2.5 year old and really enjoyed these tips. I have started putting the baby in his swing once he’s fallen asleep, so my lap is completely free for the toddler. I’ve noticed she is much cuddlier since her little brother arrived.
Visiting from IBOT.
January 15, 2013 at 11:10 am
Beautiful post and words. The stages they go through all have their challenges and joys and you are so right about the importance of connecting with them to help them (and us!) through it 🙂
Hello from #teamibot!
January 15, 2013 at 11:37 am
What a beautiful post. It is tricky sometimes times making sure that no one gets left out when the dynamics change. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job though. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely
January 15, 2013 at 12:37 pm
We’ve just gone through a similar thing. My eldest was very attached to me, and that had to shift somewhat, very challenging for any little 2.5 year old. We tried to be understanding, relax the “rules”, and it backfired big time. We don’t have many rules, but she needed those rules to stay concrete. We also introduced “Mummy Time” and she’ll come over and ask for it now. Lots of cuddles, skin to skin contact, time just for the two of us.
January 15, 2013 at 3:34 pm
I like that Danya…Mummy Time. It gives it a label that our children can use. Having special one on one time is so important for them. x
January 15, 2013 at 12:47 pm
Oh, those transitions can be hard, can’t they? I think one on one time is absolutely valuable. With the twins, we’re finding that they’re now at an age that 1 parent between them isn’t enough or even the 2 of us for both of them isn’t either. They really need to have a whole morning or afternoon with one of us. It’s about making that extra effort and time.
Elka sounds like a true gem.
January 15, 2013 at 3:32 pm
Special one on one time is so important Grace! I can’t imagine what it’s like for twins. You are amazing. xx
January 15, 2013 at 1:24 pm
I totally totally relate. I went through this with Grace when Cerys was a baby. Sometimes G still asks for her Daddy instead of me. I have learned to accept that she can choose him and still love me. It is hard, because it pushes our buttons, like you say, we have to remember that we’re the adults. xx
January 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm
Totally. I tell myself often too act like an adult. xx
January 15, 2013 at 3:13 pm
I know how you feel, my oldest has had 2 younger siblings come along all before she was 4 years old, and she has coped so well. I have tried to involve her in all things, praising her big girl efforts and cuddling and kissing her every time she asks for it, and more. I think it’s nice she’s asking for daddy, while hard on you, it means she is growing and changing – but also gravitating towards the other person that loves her unconditionally. Hang in there, it does get easier, funner and crazier! Emily
January 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm
Thanks for the reassurance Emily! x
January 15, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Its a challenging time but I think you just have to let them be – to not try to reconnect as you used to just on a new level. Little people can be very intuitive, when my boy was born it had just been his sister and I for 5 years. I sobbed and sobbed the night before he was born because I knew it was our last moment as just ‘us’ but now its the three of ‘us’ and its just as beautiful x
January 15, 2013 at 6:00 pm
It’s true Sarah – it’s a readjustment and things are different. I went through that grief too. My little one is doing very well; it’s more me, and missing her. But we do have a new equilibrium, and I am getting used to it slowly. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. x
January 15, 2013 at 4:47 pm
Your love for your children just jumps off this page! I think behaviour does reflect disconnect (although age has a lot to do witg it too) and you could very possibly have made me realise my littlest mans problem of late. With school holidays he has had to share his Mumma a lot more than norm and has not adjusted very well 😦
January 15, 2013 at 6:00 pm
I hope you get to spend some time with him soon…Thank you for your lovely comment. xx
January 15, 2013 at 9:27 pm
It’s always a new and challenging time with a new baby. I remember after number four came along, number three ran away from me in the shops, and I was chasing him with Ava in a sling, in flip-flops, terrified I would fall over. I think the fact that you’re aware of it, and doing what you can is fantastic.
And reading whilst breast feeding always worked for me too 🙂
January 16, 2013 at 7:25 am
You have much experience with this Jess. Thanks for sharing your experience. xx
January 15, 2013 at 10:10 pm
Wow what a beautiful piece! It really touched my heart!
January 16, 2013 at 7:24 am
xx
January 16, 2013 at 12:48 am
Love these tips. I haven’t had any trouble with the boys, I found they always had ‘someone’ (either a brother, Daddy, Aunty, grandparent or cousin) to help fill the Mummy void of having a newborn in the house. Our transitions have always been smooth, luckily.
January 16, 2013 at 7:24 am
That’s great Sophie. You obviously have a lot of support around you when a baby is born, which is so important. I don’t think it’s just luck. Sounds like a harmonious home. x
January 16, 2013 at 12:22 pm
As always, we are on parallel roads. I’ve done some of the same things to reconnect with my girl even though her baby brother takes a lot of my time. Finding time to spend just with her and trying to see the world through her eyes – these have been so good for us.
January 16, 2013 at 11:12 pm
You are so aware Tricia. I love that there is someone on the other side of the world going through such similar things to me. xx
January 18, 2013 at 5:49 pm
I love this post, Ive just stumbled across here from a comment you made on Little Bento Blog, and this post brought tears to my eyes. It’s been a year now since my second child arrived and I feel like I have struggled with this feeling and my grief at the ‘disconnect’ between myself and my oldest son (2.5) for a whole year. Not even my friends or husband understand and for a while I believed I was expecting too much of myself. I love number 10, in your list of ways to reconnect. I find that my eldest son thrives on those moments of spontaneity. He has grown up so much in the last year but he will always be that first tiny miracle that I held in my arms and I think of that every time I look into his eyes. Thank You.
January 18, 2013 at 8:14 pm
Thank you for your honest and touching comment Emma. I am glad I wrote that post – if you were its only reader. Sponteinity is so important to our connection with our children. Robin Grille writes in Heart 2 Heart Parenting that it is natural to express our frustrations, and likewise to express our boundless love and affection for our children. Smother them in love when you feel this; it is the basis for connection. Genuine. Honesty. Thank you for finding me. xx
January 19, 2013 at 11:21 am
It sure is a tough gig getting it right.
Carolyn
January 25, 2013 at 8:50 pm
Hi – just stumbled upon your blog. We are due tomorrow with baby #3 and as much as we can’t wait for baby’s arrival, I am grieving the loss of the time when it was just me, daughter (4) and son (2). It will never be this time again. We hope the kids will adjust ok to their new baby sister or brother, but still prepared for regression. Daughter was fine when son was born, she loved helping out and has always doted on him. We pray they will be as loving & accepting of their new sibling. I don’t want to disconnect from the kids, I don’t want to lose our special bonds and will do all that I can to spend special time with them every day. Am sure I am putting pressure on myself…. I just love them so much and dont want to lose our closeness.
January 25, 2013 at 9:03 pm
Good luck with your birth of your baby! How wonderful.
It is a time to grieve, as exciting as bringing home a baby is. With every change comes loss. Loss of how things were, in this case. The whole family needs to readjust. Expecting it to all go smoothly undermines the emotion of it all. Allowing grief is important, I think. So is giving space and opportunity for emotions to be expressed. You seem very aware of yours and your children’s experiences, so that’s always a great starting point. I wish you loads of love for this new, exciting new chapter. Zanni x