This morning, Karen at The Rhythm Method shared her January Dizziness. January, for me, isn’t so dizzy, as exhausting. My post-Christmas and New Year hangover is still sorting itself out, and I am catching up on sleep from our very social holiday. I hope Elka will be doing the same. I smell Heat Wave, and that usually equates with exhaustion. Yep, January for me equals tired and hot.
But, there is a reprieve. A whimper of hope. As the New Year dawned, and I kissed my husband on the dance floor, and raised a glass to my daughter’s birth day, I made a silent New Years’ resolution. This year I will be kinder. This year I will be more relaxed.
On the Eve of the Festive Season, I was overwhelmed with hormones, and paint fumes. And any time I have to much to do, I turn into Miss Cranky Pants. It’s not major – screaming, kicking tantrums etc…I grew out of that when I was a teenager. I get irritable. Post meeting Gregor and pre having a baby, my irritable self was dormant. I was relaxed. Life was easy. I was Miss Kind and Happy. Having a baby equals responsibility, and for me that means stress. The stress is not pervasive, but it’s there. My daughter needs to eat and drink and sleep and do poos. I need to make sure all these things happen. I get on my bossy horse and canter around the house, yelling instructions to my poor sweet husband, who cowers in my wake. And if godforbid he says the wrong thing at the wrong time of month when I am high on paint fumes, there is a wild and cranky blizzard and all husbands in my path be ware.
Anger is a justifiable emotion. I think, evolutionarily speaking, it is useful too. It protects us. It makes us act. It makes us strong. Rather than crying in the corner, we can yell obscenities, and all will be well. Although…I think there is something more damaging about anger. Because it is so easy to justify, it is so easy to hold onto the reins with a tight grip, even though we feel like absolute shit, and secretly we know we are wrong. Anger bogs us down. And stops us from doing things. And after King Cranky Storm, I don’t feel calm. I feel bedraggled, soiled and despondent. I feel like shit. In the past, post Cranky Storm was a catalyst for depression. Now, I just feel down. Empty. Exhausted.
From the outside, my life isn’t stressful. I work 4 hours a week, I have one very obliging child, I study but for me that means listening to lectures once a week, and occasionally doing an essay. The most stressful moments of my week are trying to get out the door with all the things I need for Elka for the day in time to meet someone at a market or for lunch. I stress when Elka hasn’t drunk enough water, or when we get back too late for her to have a nice dinner before bed. Considering I used to work in a very busy and demanding environment, and coped well with the stress of it all, it doesn’t make sense that I get stressed, which for me then boils into irritation.
As I wash out the camping gear, and re-organise the house, I realise that All Is Good. Time to chill, read a book, be nice to my husband…2012, may you see the new me and be proud.
What have you resolved for the new year?